I have no mouth, and I must blog.

To all my thin-skinned folks out there, it has come to my attention that the phrase "all in good fun" is no longer commonly accepted. Being somewhat of an emotional infant at times myself, I can empathize. However it's getting to the point where the only people you can joke about are backwoods illiterate hillbillies. If you know of any that find this post offensive, have them write me back. I will kindly send them a letter and humbly apologize for any unjust pain I may have caused.

Wonder Why?

Wonder Woman has always seemed like an odd duck to me.  It wasn't until recently I was made aware how  weird her character actually is.  *See exert of origin story below:

Wonder Woman #1

Home:  Paradise Island, since been changed to be called Themyscira (pronounced the mascara).  The fictional island is home to a bunch of ladies in togas that call themselves "The Amazons".  Mistakenly I've always thought the Amazons originated in the Amazon.  However the Greeks had their very own version of the Amazon located somewhere in the Ukraine, home to Ass-kicking female warriors.  This shouldn't have come as a surprise to me because Xena shares a similar origin, also founded in Greek mythology.

Hercules was a dickhead back in the day and pimped out the women of ancient Greece.  So they were like shit, we would rather be lesbian goddesses who make children out of clay.  So that's what they did, claiming an island located in the Bermuda triangle.  Aquaman also lives in the Bermuda Triangle down in Atlantis so it's probably pretty crowded in that area.  What are they doing with all of those wayward sailors?  They never seemed like the kind of lesbians to cut off your genitals but if that's the case you could always hop a dolphin back to normalcy. 

The island also has a fountain of youth which makes anyone who constantly drinks from it, stay young.  They won't share with the rest of the world, they are bitches. Lastly, they ride around on half donkey, half kangaroos.  That's pretty cool, I bet riding a kangaroo would hurt your genitals.  Maybe not female genitals.

Warrior Princess Diana:  Wonder Woman is made from clay by her mom, I believe that's how all of the Amazons are made.  She has strength of Hercules.  How did she get this strength?  They never say, some kind of glitch in the god machine.  No one else has any special powers.  Just that dumb eternal youth thing, which is pointless on an island full of lesbians.  BORING!  Aphrodite threatens to remove her powers if she is ever "bound to a male".  I wonder if this is what republicans mean by "Gay Agenda".  I bet if lesbianism gave you super powers, you would be a lesbian too.

After Wonder woman knocks over some trees and races bambi she becomes an adult.  The goddess Hepatitis, goes to Wonder Woman's mom and explains she needs the strongest woman to go help America win World War 2.  That really doesn't sound like America but whatevs.  So her mother is like: "I will hold an olympics because that's how olympians do things".  Wonder Woman is like oh shit I love the Olympics I'm the best and I will win.  But her mom is like "No you can't, I forbid you, you have to stay here and be lesbians with me."

Wonder Woman decides to do it anyways while wearing a mask.  No other contestants are wearing a mask so it's weird that her mom doesn't realize what's up.  Maybe they thought she was just being whorish with her eye-shadow.  Anyways she wins the damn thing and she's like "haha it was me the whole time", and her mother says "shit, a promise is a promise, get out of here and help America".

Boomerang Tiara:  No real logic behind why a tiara would be able to do this, it's a magic tiara.

Magic Bracelets: Again magic, but they are magic in the way of deflecting anything.  It's too bad she could only afford the bracelets.  It's luck that people only ever shoot at her wrists.
SHOOT HER IN THE LEG!

Lasso of Truth:  Magical lasso makes men tell the truth.  I wonder if William Marston's wife came up with this one.  

Costume:  Her own people give her this, the whole red white and blue thing was "out of respect for the foreign nation or america".  How is it that Captain America had to start with doing USO but not Wonder Woman?  Her costume would make a lot more sense that way.  I bet it was also so no one would call her a commie.

Purple Ray:  Heals people with the power of purple.  Purple is a much nicer color than yellow, as we have learned from the Green Lantern.

Tame and communicate with beasts:  I'm pretty sure they phased this one out.  Or maybe she's a new planeteer.

The Force:  Over the years wonder woman has had too many abilities that can only be attributed to being a jedi.  From telekinesis to telepathy. 

Invisible Airplane:  She's able to fly the jet with her mind.  Pretty handy since she has absolutely no knowledge of technology.  Some stories say it's a pegasus transformed into a jet plane, as if that makes it more logical.

Wonder Woman has always been an iconic character throughout time and classic to say the least.   The early days of comics continue to be an obsessive fascination to me, and the ideas behind them.  Here is a wonderful video that helped me better understand the weirdness of it all.